I Thought I was a Patient Person
Imposter Syndrome?
I’m hesitant to describe this feeling, because it’s not one that I feel very often, and I actually believe that using the term “Imposter Syndrome” for my feelings of inadequacy appropriates it from those who feel it more personally. For example, my friend from grad school has described how they regularly felt imposter syndrome in academia. They are a first-generation college student, Mexican, and from a low SES. None of their experiences matched with the culture of academia, so they felt like an imposter. I, on the other hand, pretty much fit the cultural mode of academia. I do not fit the cultural mode of web development perfectly — being female and approaching middle age are two factors that make me an outsider. However, my feelings of inadequacy aren’t related to my outsider-ness or fear that I’m not good enough. I definitely have feelings of frustration. But I attribute my frustration to my fear of not knowing — not a fear of not fitting in. And I’m working on being okay with not knowing. However, rather than letting it go, I called a friend to walk me through the last step of this week’s project. I just needed to make the thing stop. Two little words, “return true”, alleviated my frustration. I’m not the best at accepting the unknown… yet. I’m confident that I will be able to do it, I’m just frustrated that I can’t yet. I have no problem taking credit when I do something well, especially if I’ve worked through frustration to get there. If anything (especially as a woman), I fear that my confidence will eventually come across as arrogance. (A male colleague called me “arrogant” about a decade ago, and I still haven’t let that go.) I know when I know what I know. I’m also humble enough to admit when I don’t and always willing to learn more.
Good-bye Ladder Climbers
The tech world seems open to helping each other for the sake of learning and improving, rather than stomping on each other for the sake of ladder-climbing. This may seem like a way-too rosy view. I’m okay with doing my work and doing it well and learning more. Of course I would like to earn more. But I just don’t give a crap about things like tenure or the number of times I’m cited on Google Scholar (well… I did just check to see that my lit review on joint attention skills was cited 114 times). I’m sure there’s a ladder-climbing component that I’m missing, but my introduction thus far has been the opposite. I want to do well. I want others to do well. It seems like the tech world wants that, too, at least for an early learner. Maybe it’s just an early-learner thing; who wants to see a preschooler fail?
Those $&!##% Austin Drivers!
After about a year of taking regular yoga classes, I did a 30-day yoga challenge. We were challenged not only to physically practice each day, but take the practice into our lives. I used to get really angry at other drivers. I can picture the ramp onto 183 north near Mopac, and I can hear myself cussing out some idiot ahead of me who doesn’t understand the concept of merging. I recognized my angry, covert behavior and effected a change in it. What’s the opposite of anger? For me, it’s patience. I have always considered myself a patient person (I work with people who bite, for goodness sake), but my anger at other drivers really was affecting me throughout the day. I changed my internal monologue toward other drivers, and it changed the way I felt. This is true of any internal monologue, whether against others or about yourself. And if you can change the way you speak (to yourself) you can change the way you feel. That creates a setting event for being a happier, more productive person.
Process Over Product
I hate being wrong, not getting it right the first time, or knowing what I need to do, but not how to do it. I was still seething about “return true” a few hours later. I knew I needed to make the function stop and move to the next condition. I just had no idea how to make it stop or even how to ask the internet to make it stop. I realize that this is where I’m growing, but my trying didn’t yield the anticipated result after 45 minutes. I had to ask a friend to get there. The result isn’t really the thing — although now I now understand that a function returns “ true” or “false”, which seems really basic. Instead, the process is the thing. A process that doesn’t yield results frustrates me, especially when I feel like I should know. But the process is the thing. If I can master this process, I can totally do this. Just embrace the unknown. Process over product (so says the stickie on my desktop).
Always a Teacher
I’ve listened to Code Newbie a few times, not enough to significantly influence the way that I think much. However, there was similar advice from both of the guests I’ve heard: reach out and keep asking. As someone who is not so good at networking, I’m quite hesitant to simply reach out to strangers to express my interest in what they do or sell myself on what I can do. Listening is also opening my eyes to the types of roles that may open up to someone who knows web development. Both podcasts I’ve listened to have mentioned Developer Advocates. My whole family has teaching as a component of their profession (Mom taught home health aides, Dad ran seminars on fire code, Sister teaches psychology at a university), and I have always been teacher/ trainer as part of my work. I’m excited by the idea that I could — someday, when I have the experience — continue to teach.
Boundaries
A year ago I still wasn’t back to work yet. I was doing a lot of nothing. Except Board Game Arena. And Jane the Virgin. I recently thought I’d love to rewatch that series. But, no, I definitely do not have the time. As soon as I signed up for this course, I time-blocked my week (work sessions, prep time for each client, drive time, class time, classwork time, yoga, D&D). I scheduled it so I would still have Sundays “off”. Sunday “off” was something I finally achieved about a decade ago (after more than a decade of work, side work, and school consuming all my days). However, I’ve spent far more time on classwork than allotted. Some (maybe most) is productive. And I enjoy what I’m doing; I really want to code on a Sunday afternoon. I know that I need to stick to some boundaries and make use of my time for things that fulfill me in different ways. After starting to write this blog post, I convinced myself that I needed to actually go to the yoga I had scheduled, and hopefully I can keep that up this week (and the rest). My husband and I have only had congruent evening schedules for about 2 (of 19) years, so I’m happy to draw the line, put down the computer, and watch an episode of a series with him most evenings. Boundaries — you will be mine (says me, the woman who is finishing this up at 7:59 on a Sunday night).